The Truly Fearless Leader
Nations’ elite forces join together to face unprecedented threat
Facing credible threats to the very fabric of American society unseen in our country’s tender 244 history, President Trump has done what was previously only conceivable in books written by Tom Clancy or movies staring Steven Seagal. He has united America’s most elite fighting forces to join together, not unlike super robot Voltron, or the Mighty Morphin Power Ranger’s Megazord.
Tapping on the fearsome combined powers of the Coastguard, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), Customs and Border Protection, Homeland Security, and, perhaps most terrifying, the shadowy forces of the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), Trump has turned America’s awesome wrath toward the quaint, sleepy city of Portland Oregon.
Because Portland is currently under the siege of Violent Anarchists™.
Trump’s rapid deployment commando teams, armored in tactical gear, have been using the unprecedented tactic of pulling Americans into unmarked vehicles to whisk them away to interrogation holding cells, with no charges or paper trail resulting.
Clearly unprecedented threats to America’s survival require unprecedented tactics.
Jurisdiction cast aside in fearless response to Violent Anarchists™
Trump has cast aside petty concerns about jurisdiction in his heroic effort to protect America. While the uninitiated may mistakenly believe that Portland, Oregon is on the coast, and therefore might possibly have something to do with the Coastguard, it turns out it’s actually a three hour drive inland. Anyone with even a vague sense of US geography understands that Portland is nowhere near the Canadian or Mexican border. And while the city does, surprisingly, have its very own airport, none of the Violent Anarchists™’ activity has targeted airport property.
But no matter. Regardless of risk to the integrity of their agencies’ respective missions, regardless of legal precedent, this ragtag group of super soldiers has suspended their heartfelt goals of protecting the coast, the airport, or the Canadian border, to turn their cross hairs on the unparalleled threat of Violent Anarchists™.
These brave American heroes haven’t let their lack of competence or training stop them. Despite the fact that they aren’t actually trained to deal with riot control or mass demonstrations, they have courageously improvised, making it up as they go along.
While liberal, bleeding heart politicians expressed concerns that such a mighty show of American might could possibly be setting a precedent for a “fascist,” “totalitarian,” future, Trump hasn’t flinched.
While Oregon Governor Kate Brown called the deployment “a blatant abuse of power,” and Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler called the federal agents Trump’s “personal army,” and Sen. Ron Wyden (D-Ore.) characterized them as both “Trump’s secret police,” and an “occupying army,” and Portland Commissioner Jo Ann Hardesty‘s expressed concerns about citizens so called “First Amendment rights” being in danger, Trump kept his nerve.
Secrecy ratcheted up to protect democracy
Responding to whining that American citizens couldn’t identity who the secretive, camouflaged commando forces were, or what authority they were operating under, U.S. Customs and Border Protection explained that “The CBP agents identified themselves and were wearing CBP insignia during the encounter.”
The unprecedented reign of terror from Violent Anarchists™
When pressed for justification for his glorious exhibition of the bulging, erect show of American military might against its own citizens, Trumps stormtroopers were quick to provide the quibbling, spineless press with an impressive tally of the horror that Violent Anarchists™ have inflicted on not only Portland, but veritably, this great God fearing nation of ours.
It is not for the faint of heart and includes a lengthy list of crimes against humanity.
As of 3:29 Pacific time, on July 18, A shocking 20 of the crimes listed center around the terrifying crime of graffiti, and 4 include vandalism.
Over seven of the listed acts of terror include doing something to fences, such as going over them, or even damaging them.
But the atrocities don’t stop there. Other standouts include:
- Throwing paint filled balloons.
- Supporting local police to help a Violent Anarchist™ who overdosed.
- Trying to damage a barricade with a hammer.
- Some of the Violent Anarchists™have been armed with slingshots.
- Only days ago, they destroyed a card reader.
- And circling back to Voltron, attacking officers with lasers.
In case it wasn’t clear to you who Trump’s Praetorian Guard is dealing with, the list uses the literal phrase “violent anarchists” a whopping 70 times.
It gets scarier every time they say it.
Democracy, coming soon to a city near you
While liberal Zakir Khan has merely speculated that “they want to see what they can get away with before launching into other parts of the country,” Trump’s shock forces, lead by Chad F. Wolf, the acting secretary of Homeland Security, are exploring the option.
“Moving forward, if this type of response is going to be the norm, specialized training and standardized equipment should be deployed to responding agencies.”
